The parents God provided me When mine were no where in sight!

When I was eleven I was taken from my parents and placed in foster care, because my parents decided that drugs and their ridiculous lifestyle was more important then their children I and all my younger siblings at the time were placed into state custody. In this process I was placed in two really terrible homes and two really great ones! One of the great ones was my sister's and her husband in Georgia.

When I was placed with them I had already been in the system for three years. I had spent most of that time in homes where they did not truly love me, two of them cared merely about the money they received from the state. However, when I was placed in my sisters home I knew they loved me, I knew they cared enough to open up their home to me even though, honestly, they could not afford it. They had a small baby and my sister was expecting her second when I came. They did not know what they were getting their selves into, yet they jumped in head first! When I decided to move in with them, my expectations were totally off. I don't really know what I was expecting but what I got was not it. Do not get me wrong, I love my sister, her husband and her children. However, I think I thought it was going to be me moving in with just my sister. I did not expect the parents that I got. I did not expect to be told what to do, how to do it, and when. Why? I do not know. I guess, because I had honestly never had parents do these things. I had always been allowed to do what I want, when and where I wanted too. Was this a good thing? No, of course not! I needed the stabilization that my sister and her husband provided, even if I did not know it at the time.

Now, as an adult and a parent I look back and realize that the things I hated the most were the things that were the best for me. Do I agree with every way they went about things? Of course not! But, seriously, they took on a teenager who was already molded, already had a personality. One who was used to having her way and worst of all... one who did not know Christ! They had their work cut out for them, they had every opportunity to turn around, send me back to foster care and run. But, they didn't! They stood by me and led me in the direction that the Lord told them too. Thankfully, Christ touched my heart and I came to HIM. However, I still sinned and did typical teenage things that drove them crazy. They however, still tried to always deal with me lovingly. It did not always feel like a loving way, especially to a bratty teenager, but, now as an adult I see exactly how loving it truly was.

Sadly, I have allowed myself to step so far away from them that I hardly communicate with them. I think about them and their children everyday, even when I fail to call them. Honestly, I am the worst about calling people anyway. The only people I call are my mom and my best friend. Anyway, recently I was reminded just how quickly they could be taken from me. My Brother in law was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on his brain. I did not ever think this was something that I would have to worry about, I never thought it would touch that close to home. I was forced to realize that I could lose him and he may not even realize how much I love him. I know I never really expressed how much I love him and my sister. I never call, I never message them. How terrible! These people took me in and led me to Christ, my sister taught me what it was to be a mother, my brother in law was the first man in my life to show me how a real man treated his wife. Because of these two people I know how to be a mother, a wife and I know how I should be treated by my husband.

Now, I sit here and look back and realize what all they have provided me with and taught me and I am angry with myself. I am angry that I was not always appreciative, I was not always obedient, I was not always loving. Why? Honestly, there is no answer for that question, other than I was a teenager and thought I knew everything. I don't know. I just hope that one day I can make it up to them. I hope that I can build that relationship with them, the one I should have built a long time ago, the one I should have cherished when I had it.

So, I love you Robert and Dawn! Take this as my apology and please know how much I love you. I wish I was closer and could be there with you and be there for you during this time. I wish I could give you both a hug, especially Robert with his big 'ol bear hugs! I wish I could tell you in person how much I love you, miss you and appreciate you.


Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Nikki

Contemplating Best Friends....

Have you ever sat down and really contemplated what a best friend is? What does a best friend do? Why do we say someone is our best friend? Today for some reason this came to my mind. I have only a handful of people in my life I call my best friends. These people are people I would do anything in the world for and I know they would do the same. 

According to Urban Dictionary "Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt. 2 Girl best friends: They do all the girly things together, no one says anything. 2 Boy best friends: They do all the boy stuff together, no one says anything. 

1 Boy + 1 Girl best friends: They do boy and girl stuff, People says lots of stuff"

So when I compare my friends to this definition I think of this handful of people. I met all of these women in different parts of my life and honestly, because our different walks in life have taken us in different directions, I do not talk to all of them nearly as much as I would like too.

 I have a friend from when I was five that I still have contact with and I would do anything in the world for her, I feel terrible that difficult things happened in both of our lives that separated us when we were just nine years old. I spent years looking for her and when I finally did, though we are no longer all that close I still feel as though I would do anything in the world for her. She was my very first best friend. I spent twelve years looking for her and when I found her, my heart jumped for joy at reuniting with my best friend even if it was only over the internet, but I know that one day I will get to go see her in person again. I can not wait for that day! 

Then I have two friends from middle school, who were there for me when I went through the hardest part of my childhood, foster care. When I was taken from my parents and shoved into a random home where I did not know anyone I met these two girls. They instantly became my best friends and though we have all three taken different walks in life, although one of them is an Army wife as well, we still reach out to one another when times get the hardest. We know that even if it is three years since we talked last we can always talk to  one another and make things better! 

Later, when I moved to Georgia as a teenager and entered into high school, in a whole new state, living with family that I hardly knew, and being in a total state of culture shock. I met the one person in the world I never in my life thought would be my best friend! The quiet girl who hid in a corner with her hair over her eyes and always wore dark clothes. She became my rock for many years! She was always there for me when I felt no one else was. She was there for me through Craig going to Basic Training and AIT, she was there for me when Craig was in Korea for a year. She helped me raise Micha for his first 18 months of life. She is my children's god mother and though I have not talked to her in a while, again due to life taking us in different directions, she will ALWAYS be my best friend, my sister and my rock!

After Craig got orders to Fort Bliss in El Paso, Texas. I thought it was the end of the world. I cried my eyes out leaving my best friend in Georgia. What I did not know is that in the three years I lived in Texas I would make four of the best friends a girl could ask for! I met all four of them in different walks of life in El Paso and each one of them is a very unique person and I was, and still am blessed to call them my friends and Army wife sisters. No matter how much my other friends want to try and understand what the daily struggles are of an Army wife, they just wont understand and these four women understand the struggles of it. They understand how hard it is to be a single mom when your not single, they understand trying to explain why daddy is not coming home to sing to your baby for a whole year, they understand the frustrations that military wives put up with every day. Through these frustrations and even the blessings in disguise we have developed life long bonds that are unbreakable! Army wives become more than just best friends we become family, when your blood family is not there! These four women became more than just my best friends, they were my sisters and I could not have asked for better ones!

I just hope that all eight of these women know how much they mean too me. I hope they realize that no matter how far away I am, no matter how long its been since we talked last, I will ALWAYS be there if they need me, if I can not be there in person I am always a phone call away and I am always willing to listen. I strive to be there for you as much as I can. I love you all more than you will ever understand. Without you guys I would not be who I am and I don't think I would have survived the years! You all were put in my life just when I needed you most!

To my best friends! I love you girls!

Nikki

Challenge Day 3!

Well, it has been an interesting three days! I have been meeting my goals which is a BIG deal for me. The only issues I have had is I am so very tired all the time. Maybe its the average of four hours of sleep, I get at night. I really should probably go to bed now for that matter. So anyhow, yesterday I decided that sitting down and calculating my daily calories I am burning was ridiculous, so I went and bought a fit bit flex! I love this thing. It has given me the push I need to meet my goals everyday. I meet my calories burned, I am able to log my food, I can even log my water, which is in turn making me drink more because I am aware of how much I am consuming constantly. I just can not wait until Sunday night to take my new measurements and weight! So excited to see the transformation! Although, I do need a new scale... I guess we will get to that in a few paychecks. Anyway, that is my update for today!

Why have I allowed myself to get to this point?

I am a mother of three children under five years old, I have been pregnant ten times! When I got pregnant the first time in 2007 I was a whopping 130 lbs! Today I weigh a devastating 185 lbs, I hate my body, and I hate the life I lead in this body. If I keep it up I will surely die from something stupid like diabetes, which runs in my family! So since right before I got pregnant the last time with Xander I have wanted to lose weight, I actually did lose almost 20 lbs right before I got pregnant with him, but of course then I got pregnant and had to be careful what I did due to being high risk. So, Here I am! 185 lbs overweight and on the verge of a mental breakdown because I hate my body so much! 

Well.... It is time for a change! 

Monday the 9th of June I officially started my 30 day challenge! Working out an hour a day total, thirty minutes being yoga, or strength training  and thirty minutes being cardio! I am eating better portions and eating enough, which is a problem for me, because you see I tend to forget to eat because I am so busy with my kids and the house and honestly most of the time watching my television. (sad but true!) So here I go people! I am done! I refuse to be this person anymore. Wanna see what I am leaving behind? I am leaving behind 50 lbs of dead weight that is bringing me down into a pit of misery that I do not want to enter, I will not go and if I do, it will be kicking and screaming! 

 BEFORE: Starting June 9th, 2014

So here we are! This is what I am leaving behind! I will post Monday with an updated photo and my new weight! Can't wait to report back!

Wish Me Luck! 

Nikki

Renewing My Vows with Christ!

I know I have not written in a while and I plan on fixing that ... Hopefully, I can get myself on here at least once a week to write something. I may not have a lot of readers, if any, but I need to write for myself and for the glory of God!

Today was a good day and very insightful! I woke up with a heavy heart about my relationship with Christ and how I have strayed from Him more than I care to admit. Then during the sermon today it touched my heart in a way that I have not had happen in a long time... It knocked me off my feet and back to earth where I belong. My life is not about the people or things in my life it is about GOD! I need to better myself for him! I have realized that I have failed in the way of my God! I have failed as a Christian mother because I have not taught my children as much as I should have about God. I have failed as a wife and feel like I have drug my husband into this pit of despair with me! One thing we learned in pre-marital counseling was that our marriage would never be what it should if we did not devote our whole being and our whole marriage to the glory of God and God alone! This I have failed miserably in. I have let myself stray and have glorified no one but myself! Lord forgive me for this, for I know I have sinned against you! Now that I have been awakened it is time to fix this problem of mine! Tomorrow starts anew! I have renewed my vows to Christ and my life will glorify him and if it does not I will fall on my face in repentance and ask Him to better me for His glory and His glory alone!

My friends, both Christian and not, please keep me in your thoughts and hold me accountable! If I am not acting, living, and breathing in a glorifying way, please steer me back to the path of Jesus!

With Love,
Nikki