First Appointment... Worried!

Well, today was my first Drs. Appt. today for little peanut. It was a giant waste of time, other than the blood drawing and finally getting an ultrasound scheduled. I sat in a classroom with ten other women listening to a lot of crap I already knew, like how its going to feel to be pregnant, really... cause I don't remember that from last time!

Okay, so if everyone does not know I have lost many pregnancies before this. I had a miscarriage before we lost Jacey who was born sleeping. Then after Jacey we lost twins to a miscarriage. Finally, after a lot of medications and a lot of Drs. Appts. we were blessed with Micha. This of course has me very worried that this child will not be okay. I really do not know if I can handle losing another baby, it might actually drive me to the edge.

Now, I am going to say something that might irritate and may even offend some people... to be honest, I DO NOT CARE!! I am worried about this baby, I have every reason to be worried. I am tired of being told not to worry everything is fine. You do not know! Second, I am tired of people who have never lost a child telling me that they understand what I went through with losing so many babies, especially with Jacey. I would not wish what Craig and I went through on my worst enemy, but unless you have spent time in labor, given birth to a child, and not been able to feel their heart beating or their hand squeezing your finger, unless you had to bury your child instead of taking them home and watching them develop and learn their milestones, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!! Please stop telling me you do. It does not help me, all it does is make me angry, disappointed, and very upset!

So, I am going to close in saying, your best bet when trying to console me is to not try at all. I do not need someone to tell me not to worry about my child. Just as you worry about your living children, I worry about my living, dead and unborn children! Thank you for your concern and for caring enough to tell me not to worry but it will not change the fact that I am so do not even waste your breath trying!

Thanks for listening!
Nikki